TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely out of put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional spot where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting awareness from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD can have transform-down support."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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